"Newddhists' — A Coined Word (by James Atlas) for Westerners Hungering for Balance

Also called, "nightstand Buddhists" by the author of the NYTimes Op-Ed, 6/17/2012 as he writes about a spiritual retreat he attended in northern Vermont. Atlas sounds like a rank newbie to the concepts of bare attention, psychological distance, the no-self, and the rest of the many values of meditation, whether it is based on Buddhism — or not.

I was uncomfortable with the author's approach — making it all sound mystical and strange, though beneficial.  As many of you know, meditation, mindfull or mindempty, is a great route to brain fitness. It improves immune response and mood, reduces stress, increases resistance to distraction and strategic allocation of attention, plus generally increases emotional self-regulation. How else can you get so much for so little effort and time?

Running in Moderation Provides the Most Benefits

Most of my assets, I attribute to running: emotional level headedness, coping skills, general low level of anxiety, good immune system and general health. Now I find that even though I'm not running marathons, or even running 5 days a week. it's a good thing! An Argument for the Slow-but-Steady Approach 

People who ran 1 to 20 miles per week at a pace of 10 or 11 minute miles reduced their risk of dying than those who ran more than 20 miles a week and those that ran faster than 7 minute miles. Regular jogging increases longevity. Hurray!

Since I'm now understanding that brain fitness improves with aerobic activity, I'm  jogging more frequently, but for shorter periods of time, and worrying less about speed. And I'm feeling sharper. The placebo effect?

In a week, the new site will be up and running. You'll get to it the same way, www.intelligentwomenonly.com and it will look similar, and have all the old posts, plus new pictures and information. Remember change is good for brain function!

Find a Way to Detach — It's a Key Survival Tool

     "Don't waste time," concluded a reading at this morning's meditation group. One of the members of the group found the phrase  harsh and prescriptive, unusual in the Zen tradition. Another became embroiled in thought. "How do you know if you're wasting time? Is being a couch potato wasting time? That really worries me. I must waste a lot of time." Others mentioned a myriad of time-wasters and lots of negative self-talk followed — an unusual outpouring for this group of women, who all aim to be non-judgmental and non-reactive to themselves and others.

     Detachment is one of the most effective techniques to eliminate or reduce NST; a form of psychological distancing which can take many forms. Meditation is one effective form of creating distance, by strategically allocating attention AWAY from negative self-talk and self-criticism, from the noise of the outside lawnmower, from mental pictures of traumatic memories, or any thoughts interfering with being "in the moment" and attending to breathing. Meditation is also a useful tool for stress reduction.

There are lots of ways to detach in addition to meditation: distraction, diversion, visual images for sending unwanted thoughts or pictures into outer space, turning the volume down on your self -talk, counting from 1 to 1000 by even or odd numbers. Allocating your attention to something other than negative, stressful thoughts, events.

 How do you detach?  If you don't own a method of getting psychological distance, find  at least one that works for you — even watching TV mindlessly. The goal is to be able to return to your stress, your problem, and be able to view it differently as a result of getting distance from it. Yes, the source of the stress will still be there, but you will have robbed it of power by inattention.
  

Can NST Produce Positive Outcomes?

 "Our goal isn't a life without stress," Stanford University neurobiologist Robert M. Sapolsky says. "The idea is to have the right amount of stress." That advice applies particularly to external stressors that are short-lived and manageable. For example, a friend says you're a lot of work, another rejection letter arrives from an agent, your computer crashes, you have a bad toothache or headache.

Those external stressors become short-lived and manageable only if the internal stressor of negative self talk is managed. Often NST hangs on long after the external stressor is gone. E.g. even after the friend has apologized for her offensive comment, the whirling mind still wonders, "What did I do that made her think I'm a lot of work?" "Am I demanding, obsessive, a pain?" "Maybe I am. I know I talk too much."

Eliminating negative self-talk is essential to coming up with the "right" amount of stress. External stressors will always exist, daily, for most of us: work, money, relationships and breaking appliances, electronic devices, and shoelaces. Lots of past posts have focused on  eliminating NST and specific techniques. (Check out the red topic boxes) Right now, I'm finding psychological distancing of all kinds works best: waiting to act, reallocation of attention, distraction, detachment, actual physical distance. What works best for you?


I don't know anyone, client, friend, or family member who has benefited from the stress of NST. If you have, please let me know. I'd be very interested and would like to publish your experience. Or you could write a guest blog.

Marshmallow test

Here's a 3 minute video of kids and the marshmallow experiment — strategic allocation of attention. Very cute and evocative of grown ups stress avoiding temptation. I found it in an article on addiction and ego depletion by a PT blogger. I tweeted it if you want to read that too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EjJsPylEOY&feature=youtu.be

More Psychological Distancing Techniques

Psychological distancing techniques have lots in common with strategic allocation of attention. If you check out these two links — http://intelligentwomenonly.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-02-06T03:30:00-08:00&max-results=3        and  http://intelligentwomenonly.blogspot.com/2012/01/self-control-will-power-or-strategic.html— or even if you don't — you can see the connection.  Strategic allocation of attention, in relationship to stress involves REMOVING your attention from the person or event that's causing stress and ATTACHING your attention to something else. Re-allocating attention is a specific technique to increase psychological distance.

Here's an academic definition of psychological distancing borrowed from researcher Angela Duckworth. "The ability to step back and re-evaluate a situation in representational terms to produce appropriate responses, rather than being dominated by immediate thoughts and surroundings." Both SAA and PD increase ability to manage work, to wait for rewards, and to regulate emotions.  Miraculously, because of increase in metacognitive skills and experience, we get better with distancing strategies as we age. That's encouraging! Maybe that's a reason that older people are happier than younger people. They've learned distancing - cha, cha, cha - and experience less stress.

Here are a couple of examples of distance through changing thinking:

• Asking children to think of the marshmallows as puffy little clouds helped them wait longer to eat them.  By reframing the concept, the marshmallows were less tempting, and less attention getting.

 • For adults, when the moment is tense and full of conflict and emotion, literally stepping back, or even out, provides space to reevaluate, reflect briefly and respond on a cognitive level rather than an emotional level.

• Even if your own negative self-talk is the stressor, the same distancing techniques work.

Here are some more distancing, strategic allocation of attention techniques for this coming weekend.

• Engage in a short burst of physical labor. Plant spring flowers. Wash the kitchen floor.  Wash 4 small windows. Bake cookies.
• Turn on the music, or change the music, or play some music on a harmonica, a piano, a drum.
• Start a jig saw puzzle and keep it available, maybe at 7 minute stretches.
• Stare into space. Sort of like meditation but with your eyes open.
• Walk once around the block, in the rain, the snow, the sun.
• Start an ongoing calming project — knitting, needlepoint, solitaire, crossword puzzles, Suduko, angry birds, that engages your attention but you can drop into or out of.
• Think about: In the big picture of life (perhaps a mental image of the planet might help), how important is this moment, this issue, this conflict?
• Imagine you take the negative self-talk, the circumstances, the person and in your mind send them into outer space via a rocket.

Other ideas?

Psychological Distance as Stress Reducer

As the weekend approaches, start thinking about ways that you can have a relaxing couple of days; or at least one day. What are the anticipated stressors on that day? A birthday party for your 5 year old? New neighbors coming over for dinner? Yard guys renovating the back yard with loud noise all day? Getting everyone up and out on Sunday for church and brunch with grandparents? Work deadlines looming for next week? Spouse in a long-term lousy mood?

Being able to remove yourself psychologically helps. Here are different ways to get emotional distance:

• Five minutes of alone physical distance can help, preferable outside, but if not, in the shower, under the eaves, in the car or garage.
• Five to twenty minutes of meditation in the morning of the rough day. Even if you've never meditated, don't know anything about it, sit quietly, eyes closed and work to empty your mind.
• Repeat robotically, without judgment, quietly or out loud, "I'll handle this well. One step at a time."
• Slow your breathing, counting to 20, if you feel your heart beat rising and pounding with frustration, anger, or anxiety. Repeat as needed.
• Imagine yourself surrounded by plexiglass, impermeable to outside forces, physical or interpersonal or social.
• Imagine you are watching yourself on screen as if you were in the audience at a movie theater. Keep moving your seat further back.
• Distract, divert attention when possible to reading a book, doing a puzzle, watching the moonrise, cleaning out a drawer.

Give it a shot. Even if your life is mostly chaotic, most of the time, it's a huge relief to know that you can find moments of coping that reduce the exhausting emotional intensity — for the moment.

Strategic Allocation of Attention as a Stress Reduction Technique

Here's an earlier post about strategic allocation of attention which is an old concept with brand new ramifications. SAA is a stress reduction technique as described below and a useful way to manage emotions and increase self-control. In an upcoming post I'm going to talk about a new project related to strategic allocation of attention which can have important consequences for us all.

Strategic allocation of attention sounds profound but is simple. Choosing where to focus your attention can be a planned strategy for accomplishing varying outcomes. Right now I'm thinking of SAA particularly as a stress reduction technique. Here are some everyday examples:

• The pilot tells the flight attendants to sit down and tells everyone to tighten their seat belts because it's going to be "very bumpy up ahead".
As a passenger, you have no control over the situation, but you do have a choice to manage your anxiety (if you're stressed) or to let it run rampant. Anything is better than sitting tensely, looking out the window and waiting for the next bump. Distraction helps. Reading, writing, sleeping may not do it for you. You may need something stronger!

• You have a responsibility that may exceed your ability. You're worried and you have to do it. There's not an opportunity to get prepared perfectly so you'll be winging it a bit. Again, no control, so problem-solving thinking isn't the technique to use. Worrying out loud or internally will not help. SAA may.

Here are a couple of ways to allocate your attention away from the worry, negative self-talk, anxious emotion.

• Breath in on the count of 3. Hold your breath while you count to 6. Breath our for the count of 3. It changes the oxygen, carbon dioxide balance and reduces butterflies in the stomach.

• Recite rotely any poem, speech, prayer that you've learned by heart.

• Count to 1000 by 2's or 3's.

You may be able to come up with more specific SAA that work for you. The point is to remove focus from the source of stress and your emotional reaction/response to the stressor, particularly useful when the situation is one over which you have no control. Research tell us that women in particular often have such a strong emotional response to a stressful situation or event that they're unable to allocate attention AWAY in order to try to focus on solving the inherent problem. Attachment to the stressor is the opposite of detachment from the stressor. Both attachment and detachment represent strategic choices. Where should I allocate my attention? Notice this weekend how similarly or differently you allocate attention than your strategic choices during the week.

Mexico, Detachment, and No Stress

Back on the detachment kick as a stress reduction technique. I'm in Mexico, where it's particularly easy to be "in the moment". I'm looking out over the earth curved water's edge, the beach inhabited only by willets and seagulls, life uncomplicated by responsibilities other than cooking occasionally, watching tiny sand islands suddenly emerge as the tide goes out then expand into endless stretches of empty beach.
I know this is a rare opportunity. I also know that being here, or actually almost anywhere in Mexico, always does the same thing for me. Allows me to zone out easily and comfortably.

Although meditation is a wonderful form of detachment too, and certainly much more practical, it's impossible to pursue REAL life while in a meditative state. Some can do that. I have not been able to do so — yet.

In accord with the research on the intuitive style of thinking versus the logical, I'm finding (or imagining) greater fluidity and creativity in thinking when I'm here and detached. The question becomes, "How can I carry this back with me? And where can I find a similar ease of detachment and how can I carry it with me in real life? Maybe there is no answer and the escape is only that — a brief opportunity to zone out. I like it.

Questions that arise with lengthy periods of detachment are: How to not care without being uncaring? How to detach and yet still be responsible? How to use the creative thoughts while keeping the detachment in place?

I'll be back attached by Wednesday!

Unwinding Works Best in the Park

A friend told me a story a few days ago about being in Seattle with her husband after a difficult doctor's appointment. They had hoped for good news, a fun time after enjoying the opportunities of the big city. She was bummed, although not desparately depressed or gloomy but she wasn't upbeat. Her husband made a bunch of suggestions of activities: a movie, the museum, shopping, sightseeing, the Pike Street Market, but nothing was appealing to think of, or even to do, briefly, As they walked toward the water front, she saw the Aquarium and on a whim said, "I haven't been there in a decade. Let's go." Her husband agreed and they went in, emerging an hour or so later, with my friend feeling 100% improved, but not sure why.

The same day, I was in Seattle and by chance picked up an article in the WSJ about the benefits of "nature" for stress reduction.  I've written before on intelligentwomenonly.com (May 24, 2011) about the fact that women gain relaxation from exposure to the outdoors: water, wind, sun, trees, rain, flowers and bushes, mountains and meadows. The current article focuses, without gender differenitation, on "optimal mental refreshment" which addresses the relief of brain fatigue from intense concentration  or a repetitive task. "Taking in the sights and sounds of nature appears to be especially beneficial for our minds." Even pictures of natural scenes in our offices work to help decrease mental fatigue, but not as much as actual exposure.

A real coffee break doesn't do the same. No surprise. Here's the link:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111904199404576538260326965724.html?mod=WSJ_WSJ_News_BlogsModule

It works for me — even 5 minutes looking up at the trees and sky if that's all I can manage.

Decision Fatigue

Here's the link to the NYT Magazine article, "To Choose is to Lose", August 21st. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=To%20Choose%20is%20to%20Lose&st=cse  Here's my take-away for me and you. Readers may already know about the research results. I didn't and found it useful so I'm passing it on as a good way to start the week.

"Decision Fatigue is the newest discovery involving a phenomenon called ego depletion. . . " according to author John Tierney. The underlying concept is based on a long ignored and not totally accurate conception that all mental activities require the transfer of energy, which at some point gets used up. The term "brain dead" applies to that point perhaps? "Once you're mentally depleted, you become reluctant to make trade-offs, which involve a particularly advanced and taxing form of decision making."

The most relevant research finding for a Monday is this:
You may not even know you have low mental energy in the same way that you notice low physical energy, but we can end up by day's end being an impulsive decision maker, to short cut energy output.  Or we can just avoid making a decision for the same reason. Neither outcome is good.  So, based on the research, the author recommends:

• Make all the tough decisions earliest in the day, or delay if possible til the next morning, after a good breakfast.

• Immediately after lunch for a short time is OK too.

• By the end of the day your mental energy to make decisions, to hang on to your will power is often low. Not good to schedule important meetings, hiring interviews, decisions about job changes, housing, kids schooling and all after dinner with a glass of wine.

The authors say this is not a personality trait, but instead a universally applicable phenomenon. H-m-m-m. I 'm going to test it out this week. I'm writing this post late in the afternoon. Uh-oh.

More on Saying No

Saying "no" is an art. It's also a great stress reduction technique. And it also can produce stress via the negative self-talk produced by thinking:

Will she think I'm insensitive, uncaring, mean?
Will he retaliate when I ask him to do something?
Will she reject me from the "no" point forward?
Will they think I'm rude, selfish?

And people might think or do any of these things. And they might do them eventually even if you say "yes" to something you really don't want to do, and don't have to do.

So if you're going to start "no-ing", check out your negative self-talk first and try some cognitive restructuring.
"I have the right to say no."
"Saying 'no' is taking good care of myself."
"Better to say 'no' now then have to back out later."

If just saying "no" is difficult for you, or even if it's not, there are many direct, definitive ways you can state your response.
"That week won't work for me."
" I'm overloaded today. Please check back with me tomorrow."
"I'm not able to take on that project right now."

At most add 1 reason. No more. Follow with broken record.

"Sorry, Joe, I'm not available to take over as chair of the neighborhood committee. My weekends are already over scheduled, as I'm sure you understand."

If Joe pushes, then you say, "I appreciate your vote of confidence, but I don't have time to do it," or "I'm working on doing less, rather than more right now Joe."

I'm sure you get it. Now try it! It's a joyful feeling when you find that you can do it easily and escape another burden that you don't have to take on.

A Monday and the First Day of the Month is a Great Time to Detach

All the best advice I've received from friends in the last few days has been focused on detachment as the solution to stress problems that involve lots of people, anger, frustration, controversy, accusations and conflict. Theoretically, I'm an expert on detachment because of my long-term experience with meditation. In practice however I can over-engage, which is sort of a synonym for too intense, too close, too focused. From three very different people, I got the same advice, stated in different words, but highly similar. Back off, reduce the heat, slow the train, pull off the road to a rest stop, smell the roses, leave town, take a break, take a nap etc: all examples of detaching.

Here are some thoughts that I had yesterday as advice for me and to others in my current conflict-filled environment.
The principles are easy. Application is hard.

• Assume to start with that people with whom you are involved, even if they tick you off, don't have bad intentions. They may have made an error in judgment or in communication, but they haven't intentionally meant harm.

• Adopt a willingness to compromise, to acknowledge a mistake.

• Be willing to apologize, forgive, if not forget, or forget, if not forgive.

• Contribute your time and energy to making your specific social system work if you're not currently doing so.

• Continue to be a person of integrity even when you think others are not.


More articles on/about/related to detachment can be found on intelligentwomenonly.com

Older: Jan 14, Jan. 26, and June 28, 2010
Newer: June 13, June 20, June 27, and July 8, 2011

Is it really OK to be NOT OK?

Just read a quote from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the late psychiatrist and author.

"I'm not okay, you're not okay, and that's OK." Said with a few deep breaths can help when you're annoyed with yourself, uptight about someone else, dissatisfied with your current situation, or just grumpy. It's a change of pace from our current cultural competitive, "I'm the best,"mentality. It doesn't fit with the positive thinking mode, but it certainly is realistic and can be relieving.

This morning I tweeted the Dalai Lama's comment about handling hostility and suspicion with love. That's  beyond my current ability — maybe beyond my future ability — maybe beyond what I would even have as a goal.

But reminding myself that it's OK to be not OK sometimes helps. I'm heading out with my new mantra for a long bike ride in the beautiful NW, hoping that the combination will dissipate stress and help move me into productive problem-solving.

"The perfect is STILL the enemy of the good," but Harder to Apply on Monday.

I hope last Friday's (7/22) post was as useful to readers as it was to me over the weekend. We had company for dinner on Friday night and I completely forgot the Black Pepper/Parmesan biscotti* which was part of the main course. My husband saw it a bit later and brought out the biscotti with dessert. It definitely didn't go well with dessert — and its appearance made obvious that I had forgotten. It didn't matter at all.

This was a simple, small faux pas of course, but I found that thinking about "perfect is the enemy of . . " helped make the whole weekend more relaxing than usual. So, I'm suggesting trying out the philosophy during the week.  Already not quite as easy as I'm working on an article I'm writing for Michigan Today, a publication of the University of Michigan, planning an upcoming board meeting, trying to understand some financial documents that are confusing etc.

I'm interested in your experience with your attempts at weekday applications of the practice.

Wednesday's post will be about the ad "Hail to the V" ad. If you haven't seen it, I'll have a link — I think.




* Here's link to recipe if you're an intelligent women who likes to cook.
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Parmesan-Black-Pepper-Biscotti-236698

"The perfect is the enemy of the good"

In The Writer magazine, an article titled "5 Keys to Keep Readers Reading," quoted Voltaire. I investigated online (Wikipedia) to get the understory. Voltaire was a French writer, historian and philosopher famous for his wit and for his advocacy of civil liberties, including freedom of religion and free trade. The quote comes from what is called a moral poem, La Bégueule and is considered a proverb:

“

Dans ses écrits, un sàge Italien Dit que le mieux est l'ennemi du bien. (In his writings, a wise Italian says that the best is the enemy of the good)

”

"The moral is that perfectionism is contrary to a satisfactory competence. Achieving absolute perfection may be impossible and so, as increasing effort results in diminishing returns, further activity becomes increasingly inefficient." Voltaire is frequently misquoted to instead state, "the good is the enemy of the great," which of course is used as a motivation for perfectionism. e.g. Don't settle for good. Strive for best.

Need I say more? Perhaps this weekend, all negative thinkers  (which generally includes many perfectionists who deny that they are perfectionists) might attempt the practice of accepting that good is better than perfect, that better is in fact even better than best! Maybe that reframe can help reduce stress for a day or two.

Just Notice

Ah, the weekend. The recent theme of Friday posts has related to removing yourself mentally (and sometimes physically) from chaos and intense emotion. Yes, it's a journey not a destination. This weekend just notice, without evaluation, what is happening when you feel a 7-10 sense of inner intensity whether anger or anxiety, apathy or lethargy. Without evaluation means without adding variations of , "That's awful," "I'm terrible," "He's bad," or "She's a brat."

For example, when you just notice, you say to yourself.

The kids were awake on and off all night. I'm exhausted.
The plumber didn't show up when he said he would.
Isabelle bit Jeremy again.
The dog pooped on the new rug.
The back yard needs work and will cost a lot to fix.

When you just notice, sometimes you can move forward without taking any action, without further emotional intensity. It's a neutral statement of reality. Sometimes you can't. Try it out and see if you can use this process to avoid one or two or three intensities over the weekend. I know no one who can have none!

Take Action

As I prepare to write today's stress reduction technique I realize the wide-range of topics that fuel stress  — and reduction of stress.  And how many are self-controlled.: our own communication (or lack of communication) to others, negative self-talk, procrastination, not listening, thinking, or doing, perfectionism. Admittedly an exaggeration, I'm suddenly looking at life as one big self-creation of stress, followed by one bigger effort to reduce stress, which of course makes me very uptight, so now I have to cool down before I write the rest of this post.

Peggy Klaus's article, "Don't Fret. Just Ask for What You Need," in the Business Section of the NYTimes, July 10th, 2011was the impetus for my thinking. Here's the link: ttp://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/10/jobs/10pre.html The vilian in the story isn't just the difficult boss, but women's fears and lack of confidence, shouted by their inner voice, communicated to others by the tentativeness of their communication.

The article sent me to read more about approach and avoidance coping, which notes clearly that approach-related coping methods are generally more successful than avoidant ones; exactly what Klaus's article points out in different words and examples. So asking is better than fretting, telling is better than denying, problem-solving thinking is better than procrastination, strategic and planned allocation of attention is better than day-dreaming and distraction.

Short-take for Monday stress reduction technique. Making and carrying out a plan of action for reduction of stress often works best. Even if your plan and action don't produce the desired result, you've generated new information to use for new planning and new action.

Engaged Indifference — An Oxymoron? NO.

Suddenly, everywhere I look I find words and phrases similar to detachment, distraction, letting go, describing ways to decrease stress, reduce negative self-talk, and improve problem-solving thinking.  New Resilience, by Douglas LaBier Ph.D., a Psychology Today blogger, uses the term engaged indifference as a way of dealing with difficult people, a boss in particular. It's not avoidance. It's not emotionality or problem-solving or cognitive restructuring. Engaged indifference instead helps us to move on to enlarged problem-solving and less underwhelming emotion.

I also like LaBier's article because it demonstrates that we need to keep building, expanding, trying out different ways to stay calm so we can be most effective and take good care of ourselves. It's all in the realm of human survival. The better skills you have, the more versatile you are in using them, the greater are your chances of laughing at all the stuff that's thrown at you some days or months.

Here's the link: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201107/dealing-abusive-bosses-and-unhealthy-management-part-2

Lummi Island

I'm off on a July 4th week mini-vacation on Lummi Island in WA, far away from everything. I thought I wouldn't have access to the internet —  but I do.  Still, I decided that I'd like to preserve tranquility for a few more days of not knowing what's going on. And maybe allow faint glimpses of ideas to bloom in my quieted mind. I'm into letting go at the moment.  I'll be back posting on Friday.