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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

David Brooks Knows Similarity Increases Bonding. If You and I Both Like Brooks, We May Like Each Other.


Heard David Brooks, NYTimes columnist speak last night. He has an interesting book out, The Social Animal, which discussed research-based discoveries about emotions and logic, our conscious and unconscious brain processes, the human condition and social psychological systems. I haven't read it yet although I bought it, but his talk was thought provoking as well as funny and entertaining. Here's a column that covers a few of his thinking/talking/writing points.

The New Humanism
By DAVID BROOKS
Published: March 7, 2011

Over the course of my career, I’ve covered a number of policy failures. When the Soviet Union fell, we sent in teams of economists, oblivious to the lack of social trust that marred that society. While invading Iraq, the nation’s leaders were unprepared for the cultural complexities of the place and the psychological aftershocks of Saddam’s terror.

We had a financial regime based on the notion that bankers are rational creatures who wouldn’t do anything stupid en masse. For the past 30 years we’ve tried many different ways to restructure our educational system — trying big schools and little schools, charters and vouchers — that, for years, skirted the core issue: the relationship between a teacher and a student.

I’ve come to believe that these failures spring from a single failure: reliance on an overly simplistic view of human nature. We have a prevailing view in our society — not only in the policy world, but in many spheres — that we are divided creatures. Reason, which is trustworthy, is separate from the emotions, which are suspect. Society progresses to the extent that reason can suppress the passions.

This has created a distortion in our culture. We emphasize things that are rational and conscious and are inarticulate about the processes down below. We are really good at talking about material things but bad at talking about emotion.

When we raise our kids, we focus on the traits measured by grades and SAT scores. But when it comes to the most important things like character and how to build relationships, we often have nothing to say. Many of our public policies are proposed by experts who are comfortable only with correlations that can be measured, appropriated and quantified, and ignore everything else.

Yet while we are trapped within this amputated view of human nature, a richer and deeper view is coming back into view. It is being brought to us by researchers across an array of diverse fields: neuroscience, psychology, sociology, behavioral economics and so on.

This growing, dispersed body of research reminds us of a few key insights. First, the unconscious parts of the mind are most of the mind, where many of the most impressive feats of thinking take place. Second, emotion is not opposed to reason; our emotions assign value to things and are the basis of reason. Finally, we are not individuals who form relationships. We are social animals, deeply interpenetrated with one another, who emerge out of relationships.

This body of research suggests the French enlightenment view of human nature, which emphasized individualism and reason, was wrong. The British enlightenment, which emphasized social sentiments, was more accurate about who we are. It suggests we are not divided creatures. We don’t only progress as reason dominates the passions. We also thrive as we educate our emotions.

When you synthesize this research, you get different perspectives on everything from business to family to politics. You pay less attention to how people analyze the world but more to how they perceive and organize it in their minds. You pay a bit less attention to individual traits and more to the quality of relationships between people.

You get a different view of, say, human capital. Over the past few decades, we have tended to define human capital in the narrow way, emphasizing I.Q., degrees, and professional skills. Those are all important, obviously, but this research illuminates a range of deeper talents, which span reason and emotion and make a hash of both categories:

Attunement: the ability to enter other minds and learn what they have to offer.

Equipoise: the ability to serenely monitor the movements of one’s own mind and correct for biases and shortcomings.

Metis: the ability to see patterns in the world and derive a gist from complex situations.

Sympathy: the ability to fall into a rhythm with those around you and thrive in groups.

Limerence: This isn’t a talent as much as a motivation. The conscious mind hungers for money and success, but the unconscious mind hungers for those moments of transcendence when the skull line falls away and we are lost in love for another, the challenge of a task or the love of God. Some people seem to experience this drive more powerfully than others.

When Sigmund Freud came up with his view of the unconscious, it had a huge effect on society and literature. Now hundreds of thousands of researchers are coming up with a more accurate view of who we are. Their work is scientific, but it directs our attention toward a new humanism. It’s beginning to show how the emotional and the rational are intertwined.

I suspect their work will have a giant effect on the culture. It’ll change how we see ourselves. Who knows, it may even someday transform the way our policy makers see the world.

David Brooks Knows Similarity Increases Bonding. If You and I Both Like Brooks, We May Like Each Other.SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Left-brain Approach to Talk Yourself through an "Upset"! H-m-m-m.

Here's a left brain approach — problem solving — to dealing with an "upset." Next Monday will be a right brain approach. I'm a left-brain person but I have to admit I find this method a bit tedious!
Here's the linkhttp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201103/trauma-loss-and-recovery-universal-approach. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/just-listen/201103/trauma-loss-and-recovery-universal-approach

The Seven Steps to Recovery is a way to talk and walk yourself through any upset you've had and make things better instead of worse.
  1. Physical Awareness: when you're feeling stressed, think to yourself, "I am physically feeling _____ [what] in my _____ [where in your body]."
  2. Emotional Awareness: "And emotionally I feel _____ [angry? frustrated? scared? sad? disappointed? hurt? upset?] and how my _____ [fill in the emotion you just named] is _____ [name the level of intensity]."
  3. Impulse Awareness: "And feeling _____ [name the physical feeling] and _____ [name the emotional feeling], and feeling it _____ [name the level of intensity], makes me want to _____ [name the impulse]."
  4. Consequence Awareness: "If I act on that impulse, the most likely immediate consequence will be _____, and a longer-term consequence will be _____.
  5. Reality Awareness: "While I am holding off (for now) on acting on that impulse, an other and more accurate perception of what might really be going on is _____________________ [seeing the world as it actually is, can further help you not react to the way it isn't].
  6. Solution Awareness: "A better thing for me to do instead would be to _____ [fill in an alternate behavior such as counting to 10, waiting 24 hours, or thinking of what you want the outcome to be immediately and in the long term, and what you need to do to achieve those outcomes].
  7. Benefit Awareness: "If I try that solution, the benefit to me immediately will be _____ [for example, "I won't make things worse," or, "I won't do more things that I'll regret and then have to apologize to people for them"] and in the long term will be _____ [for example, "I'll be on my way to making things better," or, "I'll have more respect for myself and gain more from others"].
If you are a person for whom positive affirmations or self-talk do not work (I am such a person), imagine doing the above exercise with someone who cares or cared about you (I imagine my deceased parents and deceased mentors going through the seven steps with me).
Left-brain Approach to Talk Yourself through an "Upset"! H-m-m-m.SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Perfectionism and Negative Self-Talk

As I'm working on reorganization of intelligentwomenonly.com I'm surprised to find that I haven't written before about the connection between negative self-talk and perfectionism. Or if I have, I haven't included perfectionism in my labels. What brought it to my attention recently was:

• The furor about the book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, related to the author/mother's demand that her children be perfect.Although the author says this is not a book about parenting, but a memoir, parents throughout the world reacted strongly against her style.

• My discovery of a book by Dr. Alice Domar and Alice Kelly, Be Happy Without Being Perfect: How to Worry Less and Enjoy Life More.
   The book didn't get great reviews (repetitive, best for novices at the stress-less game), but it makes the point that if you want to enjoy life and be happy, you have to reduce the demands and expectations you have of yourself to be perfect. These expectations show up in negative self-talk. e.g. "I should learn to sew so I can  make the kids great home-made Halloween costumes like my sister does. I'll have to get better at time management too. She's so organized and I'm a mess. I just have to get my act together."

• Bainbridge author Claire Dederer's very popular and well-reviewed new book, Poser. She finds yoga as a way to let go of some of the perfectionism fostered by the new "extreme competitive mom" syndrome of the last decade. It took this smart, capable women most of a decade to realize she doesn't need to be perfect. It's OK. She learned to let go of her negative self-talk, lighten up and give herself a break through yoga! Another indication of the normalcy, but damaging effects of negative self-talk. She's enjoying her children, her husband and their relationships much more now that she's imperfect.
Perfectionism and Negative Self-TalkSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend