This is from a new book, “Emotional Freedom” by Judith Orloff. I haven't read the book, but went to the web site and found her "Types" categories interesting. Orloff has come to this typology through her psychiatric practice, but I think they're just everyday people types. I think I'm Type #1, but have capacity for other Type characteristics as most of us do. What's your Type? Is it useful to know?
Some types seem stereotypically more male, others more female. What do you think? Here's the quote from Orloff's web-site, http://judithorloff.com
"I discuss four main emotional types that I’ve observed in my psychiatric practice. See which one you identify with the most, though you may also identify with aspects of the others. Knowing your type can provide insight into how you interact with others and also will help you master your emotions instead of simply reacting when your buttons get pushed. Dealing with emotions effectively isn’t stuffing them away or feeling them less. It’s about establishing balance, strengthening those areas where you’re most vulnerable and maximizing your assets.
Which Emotional Type Are You?
Type #1. The Intellectual: Intense Thinker
Intellectuals are bright articulate, incisive analysts who are most comfortable in the mind. The world is powerfully filtered through rational thought. Known for keeping their cool in heated situations, they often struggle with emotions, don’t trust their guts, are slow to engage in anything light-hearted, sensual, or playful.
Are you an intellectual?
Do you believe that you can think your way to any solution? When presented with a problem, do you immediately start analysing the pros and cons rather than noticing how it makes you feel? Do you prefer planning to being spontaneous? Does your overactive mind prevent you from falling asleep?
If so, try this:
* Breathe. If you’re mentally gridlocked simply inhale and exhale deeply, in through your nose out through your mouth.
* Exercise. Whether you’re walking, rollerblading, or lifting weights, exercise creates an acute body awareness that relaxes a busy mind.
* Empathize. Ask yourself, “How can I respond from my heart, not just my head.” Empathize before trying to fix a problem with loved ones too quickly.
Type #2. The Empath: Emotional Sponge
Empaths are highly sensitive, loving, and supportive. They are finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions and tend to feel everything, sometimes to an extreme.
Are you an empath?
Have you been called “too emotional” or “overly sensitive”? If a friend is upset do you start feeling it too? Do you replenish your energy by being alone and tend to get exhausted in crowds? Are you sensitive to noise, smells, and excessive talking?
If so, try this:
* Take calming mini-breaks throughout the day. Go outside for a walk, meditate in your room alone. Focus on exhaling pent up emotions such as anxiety or fear so they don’t lodge in your body.
* Protect your sensitivities. Make a list of your top five most emotionally rattling situations, then formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t get caught in a panic. For instance, take your own car places so you don’t get trapped in social situations. (For more strategies see my previous blog “Are You an Empath?”)
Type #3. The Rock: Strong and Silent Type
Consistent, dependable, and stable they will always show up for you. You can express emotions freely around them—they won’t get upset or judge. But they often have a hard time expressing their own feelings, and their mates are always trying to get them to express emotions.
Are you a rock?
Is it easier for you to listen than to share your feelings? Do you often feel like you are the most dependable person in the room? Are you generally satisfied with the status quo in relationships (though others try to draw you out emotionally)?
If so, try this:
* Stir things up. Begin to initiate emotional exchanges instead of simply responding to them. Remember that showing emotions is a form of passion and generosity too.
* Express a feeling a day. In a daily journal, write down an emotion you’re experiencing. Don’t hold back. Are you pissed off? Content? In love? Whatever you feel, bravo! Tell someone. Express the emotion.
Type #4. The Gusher: Attuned to Emotions
Gushers are in touch with their emotions and love to share them. No one has to wonder where they’re at. Gushers are able to quickly process negativity and move on. Their downside is that they tend to share “too much information” and over-sharing can burn people out.
Are you a gusher?
Do you get anxious if you keep your feelings in? When a problem arises is your first impulse to pick up the phone and share? Do you have trouble sensing other people’s emotional boundaries?
If so, try this:
* Before seeking support, tune into your intuition. Spend a few quiet moments going inward to find out what your gut says. Try to solve the situation from a calm centered place. See what flashes or “ah-has” come to you. Take time to build your own emotional muscles.
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If this is good, you’ll be able to have wonderful relationships with others. Knowing your emotional type provides a platform to emotionally evolve and to become a truly powerful person.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Back to the Beginning — What is Negative Self-Talk?
My blog has been alive and kicking for more than a year now; introduced early in March of 2010 with the first actual post on March 29th. I started the blog as I started working on a book proposal for Handbook #1 for Intelligent Women: Break the Negative Self-Talk Habit, my not yet published 5th book. I've written about many different topics on this blog, but mostly about negative self-talk, which I just realized with surprise as I re-read past posts. Helping women to get rid of the NST habit is my mission — so that's my excuse. But I do plan to write more about women's psychology, communication, and health this second blog year, in addition to women's intelligent thinking!
As I start year 2, I'd love to hear from some of the long-time and new readers, and from women from Europe and Asia as well as the U.S.
Suggestions? Needs? Compliments? Criticism? Topics of interest that I haven't touched on? Let me know!
As I'm reviewing, renewing, and reorganizing I'll write some new introductory material and republish some previous posts that fit. This week I'm starting with a quick description of what I mean when I use the term negative self-talk. The "regulars" probably know, but new readers may not be sure. I've always called "it" negative self-talk, influenced by Albert Ellis's classic book, A Guide To Rational Living. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema Ph.D., author of Women Who Think Too Much, calls "it" overthinking. We're both psychologists and mean the same thing, although she talks about the thinking pattern as a neurosis and I talk about it as a habit.
Most women have the negative thinking habit or have had it then dumped it or have heard self-criticism often enough from female friends and family members that they know what it is. Although men also engage in negative self-talk, it generally doesn't reach habit proportions. Women's self-doubting, self-critical inner voice focuses primarily on relationships and appearance — but can also include talents, skills, job, intelligence or even ability to grow house plants. On a recent plane trip, I heard a young woman say to her other seat-mate, a stranger also, "I know I'm not a very bright bulb, but I don't care. It's true." Here are other examples of common female negative self-talk: "What's wrong with me?" "I'm a lousy parent." "What a stupid thing to say." This report is crappy. I can't even write a simple couple of pages." "I look like a tug boat today." There's also a lot of comparison with other women. "I feel like a blimp when I'm around Kim. She's so thin." "I'm a real bore compared to Joan. She's always doing something interesting or exciting." When you have the negative self-talk habit, one critical inner comment often reaches out and grabs another and pretty soon you're immersed in a giant whirlpool of negative ruminations about a variety of topics. You're also stressed out, preoccupied and your coping mechanisms don't work well. You lose energy, clear thinking, and end up stuck and miserable.
If you don't recognize this kind of thinking in yourself, pat yourself on the back and appreciate your good luck in avoiding the NST habit — or your skill in getting rid of it early in life. If you do have the NST habit, I hope you'll decide to work on quitting it now! Moving forward in life without the drag and drain of the NST habit is so much easier and more fun. Breaking the habit is an adventure that's difficult, lengthy and even tedious at times — and immensely rewarding.
As I start year 2, I'd love to hear from some of the long-time and new readers, and from women from Europe and Asia as well as the U.S.
Suggestions? Needs? Compliments? Criticism? Topics of interest that I haven't touched on? Let me know!
As I'm reviewing, renewing, and reorganizing I'll write some new introductory material and republish some previous posts that fit. This week I'm starting with a quick description of what I mean when I use the term negative self-talk. The "regulars" probably know, but new readers may not be sure. I've always called "it" negative self-talk, influenced by Albert Ellis's classic book, A Guide To Rational Living. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema Ph.D., author of Women Who Think Too Much, calls "it" overthinking. We're both psychologists and mean the same thing, although she talks about the thinking pattern as a neurosis and I talk about it as a habit.
Most women have the negative thinking habit or have had it then dumped it or have heard self-criticism often enough from female friends and family members that they know what it is. Although men also engage in negative self-talk, it generally doesn't reach habit proportions. Women's self-doubting, self-critical inner voice focuses primarily on relationships and appearance — but can also include talents, skills, job, intelligence or even ability to grow house plants. On a recent plane trip, I heard a young woman say to her other seat-mate, a stranger also, "I know I'm not a very bright bulb, but I don't care. It's true." Here are other examples of common female negative self-talk: "What's wrong with me?" "I'm a lousy parent." "What a stupid thing to say." This report is crappy. I can't even write a simple couple of pages." "I look like a tug boat today." There's also a lot of comparison with other women. "I feel like a blimp when I'm around Kim. She's so thin." "I'm a real bore compared to Joan. She's always doing something interesting or exciting." When you have the negative self-talk habit, one critical inner comment often reaches out and grabs another and pretty soon you're immersed in a giant whirlpool of negative ruminations about a variety of topics. You're also stressed out, preoccupied and your coping mechanisms don't work well. You lose energy, clear thinking, and end up stuck and miserable.
If you don't recognize this kind of thinking in yourself, pat yourself on the back and appreciate your good luck in avoiding the NST habit — or your skill in getting rid of it early in life. If you do have the NST habit, I hope you'll decide to work on quitting it now! Moving forward in life without the drag and drain of the NST habit is so much easier and more fun. Breaking the habit is an adventure that's difficult, lengthy and even tedious at times — and immensely rewarding.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Right Brain Approach to Getting Yourself Through "Upsets". H-m-m-m-m again.
As those of you who follow intelligentwomenonly.com know, I've been recovering from the unexpected loss of a good friend. And you also know that I'm a realistic thinker — not doing any negative self-talk. I'm sad, but no guilt, regrets, should haves in regard to my relationship with Lucy and her family. I 've always seen myself as a left-brain person, but I'm finding more frequently that right-brain approaches are most helpful to me in dealing with upsets of any kind.
A friend recently sent me this Zen article which I quote part of below. It's a means to detachment or as the author says, floating. For readers for whom this is new stuff, I'm sure it will seem weird at best, impossibly unlikely and undesirable at worst. Some of you will find this interesting and even helpful. Others will probably think I've gone off the deep end!
I can't and don't do these ten steps listed below, but I am learning the beginning "ability to float". It helps to decrease the intensity of emotion when needed or wanted. Here's the link to the total article:
http://home.comcast.net/~zenquaker/choboji4.htmlhttp://home.comcast.net/~zenquaker/choboji4.html
The best advice I can give is to do what works for you based on your own experience. When we were toddlers and learning how to walk, no one could teach us how to do it; only through painful experimentation did we finally learn how to put one foot in front of the other and keep our balance. The same is true for learning how to keep afloat in the midst of a raging sea of conflicted confusion.
When we drown in our own mental turmoil we slowly learn what doesn't work. It doesn't work to fight or push the waves of mental disquiet into being quiet or still. This kind of effort to stop or push away mental activity only makes things worse, and quickly exhausts our energy. There are still sits even today when I drown more than I float. But on the whole, through years of practice, I am slowly gaining the ability to artfully float in even the roughest seas.
I have found that there are ten steps or challenges that usually must be met before our limited sense of mind can consciously merge with limitless, unrestricted, "Blue Sky" Mind (a.k.a. No-Mind, or Mu-shin). At any point along the way we can lose our balance, or our ability to float, and drown in a morass of our own confusion. The ten challenges are as follows:
1) Finding a good posture and physical balance while sitting, standing, walking or working; without it
we will not float at all.
2) Developing exquisitely slow, gentle, deep breathing, without which we will drown quickly. We
can demonstrate accomplishing this step by repeatedly counting off ten slow gentle exhalations without
much distraction or effort.
3) Listening to the five primary senses that report the environment around our physical form. If we
can't remain aware of at least this much input from the here and now then we have already sunk.
4) Listening to the interior senses that report the breath rising and falling, the heart beating, the blood
circulating, and the interior comfort and discomfort zones. If our mind can not remain aware of these
more subtle forms of information then it is time to back down these steps and gently work forward
again. While doing zazen we all eventually feel chased by the pain in our legs; when we fight it or try
and run away from it then we are demonstrating our lack of capacity to sit and listen to physical
sensations.
5) Listen for, or becoming aware of, our own interior balance point, or center of gravity. If we can
get this far then we have started to float, i.e., enter the initial realms of conscious samadhi.
A friend recently sent me this Zen article which I quote part of below. It's a means to detachment or as the author says, floating. For readers for whom this is new stuff, I'm sure it will seem weird at best, impossibly unlikely and undesirable at worst. Some of you will find this interesting and even helpful. Others will probably think I've gone off the deep end!
I can't and don't do these ten steps listed below, but I am learning the beginning "ability to float". It helps to decrease the intensity of emotion when needed or wanted. Here's the link to the total article:
http://home.comcast.net/~zenquaker/choboji4.htmlhttp://home.comcast.net/~zenquaker/choboji4.html
The best advice I can give is to do what works for you based on your own experience. When we were toddlers and learning how to walk, no one could teach us how to do it; only through painful experimentation did we finally learn how to put one foot in front of the other and keep our balance. The same is true for learning how to keep afloat in the midst of a raging sea of conflicted confusion.
When we drown in our own mental turmoil we slowly learn what doesn't work. It doesn't work to fight or push the waves of mental disquiet into being quiet or still. This kind of effort to stop or push away mental activity only makes things worse, and quickly exhausts our energy. There are still sits even today when I drown more than I float. But on the whole, through years of practice, I am slowly gaining the ability to artfully float in even the roughest seas.
I have found that there are ten steps or challenges that usually must be met before our limited sense of mind can consciously merge with limitless, unrestricted, "Blue Sky" Mind (a.k.a. No-Mind, or Mu-shin). At any point along the way we can lose our balance, or our ability to float, and drown in a morass of our own confusion. The ten challenges are as follows:
1) Finding a good posture and physical balance while sitting, standing, walking or working; without it
we will not float at all.
2) Developing exquisitely slow, gentle, deep breathing, without which we will drown quickly. We
can demonstrate accomplishing this step by repeatedly counting off ten slow gentle exhalations without
much distraction or effort.
3) Listening to the five primary senses that report the environment around our physical form. If we
can't remain aware of at least this much input from the here and now then we have already sunk.
4) Listening to the interior senses that report the breath rising and falling, the heart beating, the blood
circulating, and the interior comfort and discomfort zones. If our mind can not remain aware of these
more subtle forms of information then it is time to back down these steps and gently work forward
again. While doing zazen we all eventually feel chased by the pain in our legs; when we fight it or try
and run away from it then we are demonstrating our lack of capacity to sit and listen to physical
sensations.
5) Listen for, or becoming aware of, our own interior balance point, or center of gravity. If we can
get this far then we have started to float, i.e., enter the initial realms of conscious samadhi.
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