Stress Less—Monday's Technique for the Week

It's Memorial Day which leads me to think about remembering.  Although memories of pleasant experiences and people, occasions and trips, meals and conversations become a very upbeat part of our inner life and outer interactions, revisiting "bad" memories usually causes stress. Internal or external conversations about difficult, hostile, or just plain ugly interactions or experiences — whether we caused the YUK or someone else did, keeps us stuck.

I acknowledge I have trouble letting go of this kind of rehash of past events, but I'm making progress. Generally, problem-solving thinking doesn't fit because the event was in the past and I can't undo it. I usually have no control over what already took place. Sometimes, if the event was in the recent past, I can problem-solve about how to move forward with the "bad" interaction. But generally, I find that the "bad" interaction is a done deal. I don't find a benefit for revisiting it — regardless of who seems to be accountable for the YUK.

That takes me to letting go of the memory so I can let go of the stress. I'm working to develop a new habit, which really has to do with strategic allocation of attention.  As soon as the ugly memory appears in my mind, sometimes in the middle of the night, I immediately erase the mind picture, turn down the volume of the voice, and move to another topic — a neutral one. E.g. the weather, a new friend, a fun project, an upcoming trip.  Or I watch the geese and their babies in the water for a few minutes. Or take a quick walk around the building. Anything to get my mind off the YUK as quickly as possible. The more I practice, the fewer rehash sessions I have with myself or others.

Occasionally I find that it helps to just vent and rehash once with a reliable, open, unbiased person who will just listen and not give unsolicited advice! That process also helps me bring closure to the whole inner rehash. I'd be happy to be that listening, reading person for you if you just want to vent to me about something that's keeping you stuck.

Dr. Tingley's Belief #3: Gotta Decrease NST for Increase in Effective Thinking

As regular readers may have noticed,  I'm working on some changes in format, and recent changes in schedule. The new schedule will be Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Monday's post will generally be short — a stress reduction idea. Wednesday may be on gender differences, communication, or something of business/political/cultural interest for women, and Friday's post will be more focused on thinking: NST, PST, RST, problem-solving thinking, cognitive restructuring, strategic allocation of attention, perhaps neuroscience news about thinking.  As you'll note below I've written about thinking and this is a Friday. The post is a bit heavy, but I'm hoping you have the weekend coming up to relax, have fun, and forget about how hard it is to break a habit. As always, I'm open to your thoughts, opinions, and requests.


Dr. Tingley’s Belief #3:  The negative self-talk habit has to be eliminated before realistic or positive self-talk can be learned and maintained.

 Handbook #1 is about how to change your thinking behavior, not how to understand why you started criticizing yourself in the first place. Seeking the “whys” often causes an endless delay in making the choice and effort to break a habit, conquer an addiction, or end a relationship. Yes, understanding why helps us all feel more in control, self-aware, maybe pretty smart and analytical, but generally it’s a waste of time and energy – for the analyzer and those who have to listen forever to the ever-changing insights and interpretations.

A flash of insight does not produce change. According to neuroscientific research, the actions of unlearning and learning produce change. The negative self-talk habit has formed automatically over time through learning, practice, and repetition. Often by the time we recognize that we have the damaging habit, our brain is captive to constant self-criticism and doubt.

 In the last ten years, scientists have determined that repeating a specific behavior pattern stimulates the involved brain cells to grow extensions (dendrites), which expand the habit connections.  Consequently, disconnecting the cell connections of the old, unhealthy negative self-talk habit has to take place before the learning and subsequent cell connection of healthy realistic thinking becomes possible. “The challenge is to replace well-established problem behavior patterns with more effective ones.  . . . It takes a fair amount of time for this brain cell growth-and-connection process to complete itself, which explains why it takes so much practical application and reinforcement to master a skill.”[4]

Bottom Line #3: Neuroscience now confirms that it’s an arduous, lengthy but possible task to break a habit and change a behavior. Unlearning negative self-talk has to start prior to learning realistic self-talk.

Stress Management — Away from Connection/Promotion/Productivity

Sorry I'm a bit out of sync with my usual Sunday or Monday, Wednesday or Thursday schedule. I've been out of town and out of internet/cell phone connection which I find very relaxing, but not so great in terms of writing productivity.  I'm thinking of adding a third very short blog once a week — or irregularly — about coping with, avoiding, and/or reducing stress. So here's the first.

I just spent three days on the Long Beach Peninsula in southern Washington — just before "the season" actually starts. We did mostly nothing but walking, riding bikes, playing cribbage, eating lots of seafood, sleeping. We drove from south to north, visited the cranberry farm, watched the oysterman replant oysters from their original basinette into a day bed, saw lots of eagles and shore birds, marveled at the beauty. We were rain doused and sun charmed, whipped by the wind, warmed by the friendliness of the native razor clam diggers at low tide. We were relaxed.

We agreed early on to not talk about any problems of work or family, but to stay in the present.   This was surprisingly easy to do once we made the decision.  We realized after we returned home that we often "overtalk" the problem-solving process: chew it up and hash it over more than is needed for sure. Why? Not sure.

Research shows that increased exposure to nature can decrease stress, particularly for women.  That — and no news coming in from the world at large and our own small world, no clicking or buzzing, ringing or rattling from sundry machines gave us a few bonus days of stresslessness even on our return to some everyday YUK.

No, I can't and you can't do that 3 day away thing often, but even an hour or so away from it all occasionally, sitting on the grass looking at clouds could help reduce stress — as long as you're not doing any negative self-talk.